From the San Francisco Chronicle, Datebook Section (March 24, 2002)
‘Lord’! A boy band
By Neva Chonin
Chronicle Pop Music Writer
The list of original song nominations for tonight’s Oscars ceremony
promises few surprises. Sting will competently deliver “Until”
from “Kate & Leopold”; Randy Newman, celebrating his 16th Oscar
nomination, will trot out “If I Didn’t Have You” from “Monsters,
Inc.,” with John Goodman supplying backup.
Faith Hill will attempt to inject life into six-time nominee Diane
Warren’s “There You’ll Be” from “Pearl Harbor”; someone, maybe even
Himself, will trill Paul McCartney’s “Vanilla Sky” from the film of
the same name. First-time nominee Enya will probably be the musical
highlight with “May It Be” from “Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the
Rings.”
Sadly, there will be no rumpled Elliot Smith shambling out to bring
indie rock to the masses with “Miss Misery”; no Isaac Hayes tearing
the stage apart with “Theme from ‘Shaft.'”
The ceremony could be saved from its self-induced doldrums if only
the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences were savvy enough to
recognize the real rock stars in its midst–five lads whose cuddly
good looks, ensemble charisma and youthful charm have already made
them teen idols.
We’re talking about Hobbits, of course. More specifically, the four
Hobbits (and one Elf) who star in “The Fellowship of the Ring.” A
quick check on Yahoo. and MSN.com shows that the Fellowship Five are
fast gaining on ‘N Sync as fantasy boys du jour: Wistful reveries
about Justin Timberlake alternate with lustful longings for Orlando
Bloom (Legolas Greenleafs, the sexy Elf); fan fiction pairs JC Chasez
with Elijah Wood (Frodo Baggins, the immaculate Hobbit).
Combine four Hobbits, an Elf, two turntables and a microphone and you
have the makings for the biggest teen sensation since Lou Pearlman
figured out how to make little girls scream. And the Academy Awards,
alas, might have followed Ed Sullivan into the history books by
presenting their musical debut.
Picture the Fellowship Five ascending from a fiery pit, surrounded by
a spectacular mockup of the Mines of Moria, singing “Pop (the Gandalf
Remix).” Visualize Frodo and Legolas battling for lead solos while
Samwise “Sam” Gamgee (Sean Astin), Peregrin “Pippin” Took (Billy
Boyd) and Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck (Dominic Monaghan) harmonize in
the background, their hairy feet slapping rhythmically over the
screams of the crowd. A smoky Balrog demon supplies pyrotechnics.
Sting attempts a cameo and is incinerated. In the front row, Kevin
Spacey swoons.
Thanks to the academy’s lack of imagination, tonight’s ceremony will
feature no such spectacle. But there’s always next year, when a
computer-generated Gollum could deliver a trip-hop rendition of June
Carter’s “Ring of Fire” to commemorate the release of “The Two
Towers.” By then, of course, the Fellowship Five will be old news,
Middle Earth will be at war and Newman will be up for his 17th berst
song nod for a composition titled “Short People (With Hairy Feet).”
The saga continues.
Oh man, that would be funny. Can’t you just see it?