So tired today. So it’s nice to laugh. I have no idea what I’m doing this weekend. Too bad I can’t be spontaneous and take a trip over to KC for the renaissance festival. Sigh.

Bad jokes courtesy of faecrafter.

 This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says…
Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I’ve lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive…"

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’!"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says, "It’s Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don’t believe you," said Dolly.
"It’s true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let’s have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I’m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he’s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he’s really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

14. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn’t rea! ch the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

18. Polish joke: A Polish immigrant goes to the Michigan Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an Eye Test. The optician shows him a card with the letters , ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z’.
"Can you read this?", the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish man replies, "I know the guy!"

19. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

20. What colour are hiccups? Burple.