As much as I hate the name, today is a day to remember those lost seven years ago. Seven years. How could it be that long ago?

Today is also the day in which a large white sheet is covering the in-progress building across the alley at work. We think they're fireproofing things, and the sheet is to keep our building from getting inadvertently sprayed. But it looks like it's snowing out there. Looking out the window just gives a blank view, and it's very disconcerting.

Today is also the day of our last regular season make-up of a rainout of a rainout softball game. As my coach put it, nothing short of biblical will stop us from playing, so I forsee a soggy evening on a muddy or grassy field. Maybe my cleats are dried out from last week...

  Whiskey and Water, Elizabeth Bear
file under: reallife , serious , getmoving Posted by Jen at 10:14 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Randy Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who died yesterday from pancreatic cancer, the same type of cancer that my uncle died from. He gave two very moving, inspirational lectures and wrote a book and gave many interviews. He lived strong and filled his last days with whatever he could, and I can have nothing but respect for him. The world has lost a good man. We need more heroes like him. Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.

"The Last Lecture" and "Time Management" after the cut.

file under: reallife , serious , thoughts Posted by Jen at 6:20 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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It's a sad day when a huge part of St. Louis becomes owned by a foreign company. Anheuser-Busch is now Anheuser-Busch InBev...

I don't even like beer. If I've been to the brewery it was long ago, way before I was able to enjoy the tasting at the end. But I do love the Clydesdales and the dalmatians and the many events and destinations that Busch is a part of, and they are a huge part of St. Louis culture, and indeed the US. Sure, the mean people who bought the company in a hostile takeover say they'll keep sight of A-B's standards, but that's what they said when May company bought Famous-Barr. I call ballocks. And who thought that the Belgians were so rotten?

I wonder if it's still going to be Busch Stadium in a few years. I hope so. I always liked that name. I realize it is actually product placement, but it's been Busch for so long, it doesn't seem that way. Maybe the Busch family can keep their names on some things.

Bye bye Busch. I hope you stay the same, but I bet you won't.

Oh yeah, happy Bastille Day.

  Cemeteries of London, Coldplay
  Guardians of the Keep, Carol Berg
file under: reallife , serious Posted by Jen at 10:09 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Heath Ledger directed this Ben Harper video. It's quite pretty. RIP, Heath.

  Son of Avonar, Carol Berg
file under: serious Posted by Jen at 12:44 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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A soldier's last words, posted after his death in Iraq:

Final Post

  Bridge to the Other Side, Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 4:50 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Somehow I managed to delete my entire Pictures folder off my desktop. It's at least three years worth of photos, and that was just what I downloaded specifically to this computer. There was stuff on there from at least 2000, though, from my previous computer, and possibly even older files from my very first computer in college.

Blast, annoying as all hell, but it's only data. I don't think there was anything important in there, unless you count all the *ahem* Orlando Bloom photos (hi-res, too, some of them), photos of other hot guys I crush on (juvenile, yes, but a girl's got to have something), movie stills, LJ icons, Lord of the Rings manips, banners...I could go on and on.

At least my digital camera photos are stored in a different place, so they weren't touched.

The galling thing? This happened somehow when I was backing up my files onto an external drive, so I could free up space on my comp. I must not have been focused on the right window and somehow picked the wrong file to delete. Well, I certainly cleared out some space. I've got a gig more than I used to. Ballocks.

*goes off to troll the internets for pictures

  O Come All Ye Faithful, Josh Groban
  Assassin's Quest, Robin Hobb
file under: serious Posted by Jen at 12:18 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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I remember the call from my mother, and the absolute blue of the sky, and wondering, how?

  Dido, Take my Hand
  The Eye of the Labryrinth, soon to be The Lord of Shadows, both by Jennifer Fallon
file under: serious Posted by Jen at 9:52 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Uncle Johnnie, we miss you. Three years, my God.

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 2:30 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Please get out and vote today. It is your right as an American, and you CAN affect the way the country is run. Please take advantage of this opportunity to make your desires heard.

And if you care about Progress and Improving the Quality of Life, you'll give serious consideration to voting for Claire McCaskill and supporting Amendments 2 and 3 with a YES vote. Missourians, this is important. Wouldn't you rather open the door to hope instead of slamming the door on progress?

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 9:54 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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I just sent off my med school application, and paid an entirely outrageous amount of money for it. Let's see what happens next...

hopefully this was not an inauspicious day to do so.

file under: education , serious Posted by Jen at 7:19 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Five years. Don't they go by in a blink.

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 5:10 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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It's almost time for a birthday

There's been rather a lot going on here, but it's kept me busy. Beware my loquaciousness.

Last night was my last regular softball game, because I'm signed up for Biochemistry on thursday nights. Hopefully I'll be able to play some make-up games, as long as they're on another night than thurs...why is everything on thurs. nights? Anyway, after we won (and I didn't make a single hit--I struck out, how fair is that, in my last game?) we headed over to this pub called Harry's. Normally it has good, if simple, food and relatively fast servers. But last night we were there for at least 15 minutes before the waitress even looked at us, then another 15 or so before she brought beer, for those of us who drank it (not I). Some more time goes by, and variously the members of our party either went to find the server/manager, or went to the bathroom It took about an hour for the server to tell us there was only one cook in the kitchen and they were swamped, but we should get food soon. Another quarter hour later the manager comes out with a free pitcher of beer and says our order ticket had been lost, hence the no food. Perhaps 20 minutes after that it finally came. By that time one guy had left, since he had to be up early. We got to the place about 8:20 pm and got our food a little after 10 pm. And yes, after all that, everything was free.

The other big story is that my most recent roommate moved out. She decided that she needed to be closer to school (and to be fair, she doesn't have a car and has an 8 am class, so it would suck a little to have to take public transportation every day). I probably would have tried it for a while, but she was only here two months or so. She also wasn't satisfied with our relationship, but then neither was I. I feel a bit of a failure, though, like I didn't try hard enough to make it work. Regardless of why it happened, I'm back in the roommate hunt. I've had more offers than I expected, esp. with school starting next week, but this weekend will be sort of crazy, with the aforementioned birthday...

I spent so much money at the grocery store. I hope people come by and eat things. Though I guess it would be amazing if I actually ran out of food, because that would mean I have enough friends to do so. Oy. I get paid next week, which is very good. However, next week is the last week of August, and I have not yet submitted my med school app. Hopefully once this weekend is over, I can get it all ready to go. Keep those fingers and toes crossed, folks.

One of these days I've got to go through all my stuff and figure out what I can sell. You'd think with all the people needing to get rich quick that there would be an easy way to do so. Eh. And genies really do live in lamps.

  Freedom, George Michael
  The Darkest Hours, a Spider-man novel by Jim Butcher
file under: muses , serious Posted by Jen at 11:50 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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...in the wallet, that is. Your public service message for the day is: Never spill acetone on your glasses. They will crack. And your wallet will cry.

Perhaps finally I will be under only one boss here at work. I'm still not quite sure who I turn my paycheck into, though. Sam Klein (the head honcho) is a nice, nice man, even if he's a little intimidating, being so scientifically famous. Which is odd (the intimidation, not the famousness, he's terrifically smart), since he looks like someone's favorite uncle.

And aside from the hurtful events to my bank account recently, I now have The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and Brokeback Mountain (that has to be one of the oddest pairings of dvd releases I've ever seen) in my hot little hands, which makes me happy. Seems like my life is very up and down lately. On the one hand, it seems like I'm constantly stressed by work and the little thing called the MCAT (Jesus, 17 days) but then I come home and conveniently ignore those things and immerse myself in a book. Why can't I be as excited about studying for the MCAT as reading a new fantasy? Sigh. I've even been good and have not brought a book to work with me this week, so I can study during breaks and lunches. Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with my life. Wish I knew. Wish I knew that I would be a doctor, or a writer, or something else. I don't want to be only a scientist for the rest of my life.

What do you want to be?

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 9:32 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Two years ago my uncle died. It's an odd thing to think about. And even odder, that I didn't actually think about it on the day he died, but rather earlier in the week. And then I feel guilty because I didn't recall it until my mom asked me if I remembered.

It still doesn't seem right, that my uncle isn't still at the house on the hill, that the youngest of them was taken first. And I really can't relate to how my cousin and aunt, and my mother, even, can deal with it. It's like if I don't think about it, it's not real. Isn't that silly?

At the risk of slipping into melancholy, I'll run back to work and forget about this for a while. I'm not depressed, just busy, honest.

Do you ever just think,
"I'm fooling everybody"?

You have no idea.

  The Charnel Prince, Greg Keyes
file under: serious Posted by Jen at 2:03 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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As I was driving home tonight, I came across an accident under the highway near the trainyard. There was at least one wreck, smashed front bumper facing our direction of traffic, never good. It must have just happened, because there were no police, no ambulances yet, but there were people on the side of the road, surrounding someone lying on the ground.

I followed the car in front of me around the wreck, making sure there were no other cars coming the opposite direction, and felt horrible for not stopping. There were quite a few cars that didn't look as if they were involved in the accident, so perhaps they stopped. There was nothing I could have done; I don't have a cell phone to call for help, and I'm not a doctor, not yet and not by any stretch of the definition, however much I would like to be. But I still felt awful.

I stopped at the gas station just down the street, as that had been my goal all along, and saw an ambulance drive past (rattling, natch) from my hometown, without its sirens going. It's never good when the ambi goes in the direction of an accident without the sirens; means there's no rush to get where they're going. I hope everyone is alright. Maybe it wasn't going to that accident, because I heard nearby sirens after that.

Sigh. Really, what could I have done?

On the upside, I got my new printer today. Snazzy. On the downside, I missed meeting someone, but God works in mysterious ways, so perhaps we can find that connection again.

  Simon & Garfunkel: A Hazy Shade of Winter

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 1:06 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Say goodbye to Sapphire, my little blue parakeet. He's off to the big bird place in the sky

Sapphire was close to thirteen years old. We're not sure of his exact age because he was a few months old when I got him for my thirteenth birthday, along with the albino hamster Ruby (Yes, I had silly naming conventions when I was younger). He used to do one trick when he was younger: the Turnaround. He'd cling to the corner of his cage and flip his upper body through his legs.

In recent years he'd really taken an interest in the bell of the circular roost than hung from the top of his cage. He could ring that bell for hours, and often did. He also imitated the "leave your message after the beep" beep of the answering machine.

I'm sort of amazed that he lasted this long, but it was sad to see him so sick. I bet the cold weather didn't help, and the fact that I was seriously sick while at my parents place recently probably accelerated things.

I hope you're happy wherever you are, pretty bird. May you have unlimited seeds and a big bell to ring.

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 1:45 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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This morning a 15-hour hostage situation ended in a house just a block away from my apartment. Apparently a guy had robbed a bank (although I'm not sure that's really true) and was followed by police to a place near my building, where they tasered him. He got up, though, and ran into his house where his grandmother and young nephew were. He had a gun (or possibly three) and shot into the walls and in the direction of the police. They found out that the guy is mentally unstable and probably off his meds, so they didn't think he would really be that violent and were willing to wait him out. Which they did.

Last night when I came home from anatomy lab (where we dissected a mouse, yawn) the main street to turn down to get to my place was blocked off by yellow tape and about five police cars. Luckily I know the neighborhood enough to be able to get through the maze of one-way streets that comprise it, so I was able to get to my apartment, but there were some streets blocked off that I bet had a lot of wrong-way driving going on, since the proper direction entrance was blocked. Cece and I went out on the porch and could see the SWAT team running up to the house. It was funny because they looked all serious and determined as they ran up to the house but then they just stood there in the doorway. Maybe they were waiting for the guy to let them in. The SWAT guys didn't want us out on the porch though, they waved at us with a 'get out of the way' sort of gesture, so we went back inside. Didn't want to get hit by a bullet.

That's pretty much what happened all night, they had negotiators trying to talk him out, until this morning when I got up. I went into the kitchen to see if anything had changed, which it hadn't, and that's what the news stations reported. My mom wanted a picture, so I retrieved my camera from my room to take a shot, and when I finally got the house in view, I took the picture without even realizing that the police were leading someone out. So I actually got to see the police take custody of the guy. I also didn't realize that my flash was on, so I hope they don't come storm the place because I distracted someone with the flash It was funny because they had literally just reported that the situation was still ongoing. Sounds like everyone was ok, and that the police had encountered this person before. Hopefully this time he can get some psychiatric help.

Just thought you'd like to know about it...it wasn't really all that exciting. I missed all the gunshots and just saw the police barricades. Though it was interesting to see the guy walk out in cuffs, he looked like a normal person. Be safe out there.

And now it's time for a PSA: Please make sure that if you're out driving this weekend you YIELD to pedestrians in the crosswalk, even if they are there illegally. Pedestrians, YIELD to oncoming cars and use the crosswalks. The police are going to be giving out tickets, in hopes of lowering pedestrian-car accidents. Be careful out there!

this is just some filler because I'm trying to see why this isn't working.

  Lancelot du Lethe, J. Robert King
file under: serious Posted by Jen at 9:44 AM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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...because I just signed up for the MCAT in August. There goes $200. Ugh. I decided to do it today because I got paid and I might as well do it now before I lose my nerve. It's probably not so good to feel so wishy-washy about going to med school. I think I will do well, but it's scary! And I don't know exactly what I would do yet...possibly something neuro-related, but I don't know how comfortable I'd feel cutting into someone's brain. But all that neurophysiology/ethology that I did in school (well, took classes for, anyway) was quite interesting and it would possibly let me do research on Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, which my mom tells me I should do. And wouldn't it be great to be the person who finds a cure. Or even part of a cure. I must admit to a certain amount of influence from 'er' and 'grey's anatomy.' And while I know that real life is not like a tv show, I still think those are interesting enough, once you strip away the soap opera.

Then there's the sports medicine/exercise physiology part, which is not so much med school as grad school. But then there would probably be the chance for working with prosthetics or orthotics, possibly getting back into the athletic swing of things...

and there's still that little voice saying, really, you sucked in college so why are you even attempting this? I still wonder if the three years of working will be worth anything. *is full of self-doubt* I would love it so much to get in here at Wash U but that's such a reach. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with a nice inexpensive public school? Noooo, I had to go for one of the most expensive schools in the region. It's sort of scary to think about, what might happen in a year...

I suppose a year from now I'll know if I'll still even be in the state. I will admit a certain apprehensiveness on my part about leaving "home." Because while I value my independence, I really like being near my parents and the things I've known all my life. What can I say? I'm an only child, and I was loved, so I never had to fight for things, didn't feel the need to strike out on my own. That and the fact that both my parents are super cooks.

Guess I should really start studying, huh. Too bad the MCAT book isn't nearly as exciting as A Storm of Swords. Oy. I'm doomed. *crosses fingers that I'll get the Wash U section on Test Day*

Jen N's wedding tomorrow! *crosses toes that a cute available guy is there*

  Celtic Woman is in my cd player, but I haven't listened to it yet today.

file under: education , serious Posted by Jen at 4:06 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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It's fitting that even though this is the first week of spring, today has been dark and rainy and will continue to be, since he loved the rain. A year ago today my uncle Johnnie died. I still can't believe it's true. It doesn't seem possible. But it is, and it's so sad to think about. So mostly, I try not to. But there's always that little niggling thought in there. Every time I pass by the hospital where he died, I remember, every time I visit my cousin or my aunt at what I still think of as 'his' house, I remember. I know that he's so much better now, where there is no pain and much love, but I miss him. I pass by the cemetery that he's buried in every time I visit my parents, but I've only been there once. I'm not even sure where his grave is. God. It's hard.

Family is coming in today. I hope we can get things taken care of, like the website, which has, unbelievably, taken this entire year to work through. Hopefully we'll get it all worked out. Also hoping to get off a little early from work so I can see them earlier. There's nothing I'd like so much right now than a hug from my family.

On the upside, Luigi asked if I could stay on at work until May, which is a good thing, though I still need to find another job. Haven't heard anything from the person I talked to last week, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Here's hoping that I find something soon.

  a moment of silence

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 1:06 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Rest in peace.

My uncle is dead. I've repeated that to myself so many times today you'd think that I could believe it. But I don't. People in our family don't die. He was the youngest of my grandparents' children, only 48. Always the one with a joke filled with dry humor or a funny face during thanksgiving dinner.

Forgive me if I take a quote from the Two Towers, after seeing my grandparents:

No parent should have to bury their child.

He was there and then he wasn't. He was never fine, after the pancreatic islet cell cancer was diagnosed, but he wasn't gone. He was still joking about how horrible the food was at the hospital and as soon as he got off the clear liquid diet he wanted some strawberries and cream Edy's ice cream with some Famous Amos cookies. I asked him which kind and he said, oh, get 'em all.

Into the West made me cry.

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
The night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

I'm so silly, aren't I? And yet again, I don't seem to have tears. Why don't I believe it? I felt for sure that he would wake up and say, ha, it's all a joke. He had the equivalent of nearly three people's blood in him sunday/monday night alone.

They're going to donate his corneas. Someone else will be able to see because of him.

*bawl*

Thank you for the hugs and well wishes. It means more than you know.

Say a prayer for Aunt Roberta and Nick for me. And Grandma and Grandpa, and Mom and Aunt Carol...he affected so many lives. Keep watch over us, ok? we love you, we miss you.

file under: serious Posted by Jen at 3:29 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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I was thinking the other night as I drove home from my parents' house how so much of our life is built on trust, and we take it for granted. We trust that our cars won't break down, that the wheels will grip the road even if it's raining, how our parents will be there (until they die, which we don't think about). We trust that our home, apartment, dorm, whatever will be there when we get back and that our car will be in the same place as when we left it that morning. We trust that the car will start even in freezing temperatures. We trust that the grocery store will have milk and orange juice and that the gas station kiosk we stop at will have gas in the octane you need or paper so it can print your receipt.

We trust that our harddrives will store our information and start up the next time we hit the power button. We trust that we will still have a job when we get to work the next day and that there will be someone to talk to. We trust that things will work out. We trust that God or whoever you believe in has a plan for us and that it's all going as it's supposed to. We trust that we are right and they are wrong.

Where does this blind trust come from? Sometimes I wonder at how much we trust that everything is alright. I trust that someone is reading this journal and that just maybe someone appreciates it...otherwise I'm just doing this for my own glory.

Anything that makes you go hhmmm?

file under: muses , serious Posted by Jen at 5:47 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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Around Thursday afternoon sometime I realized my throat was a little raw. So even though I'd had a pretty big lunch I had some clam chowder I'd brought along, and that made it better...but then Friday came along and I definitely had a sore throat. Saturday I was coughing too, although not so much that I annoyed fellow movie-goers as I finally got my parents to see Pirates with me. Sigh. Today I had a stuffy nose. Still do as a matter of fact. Wish it weren't so. Silly sicknesses. I don't know if this is some bug I picked up at work, a bug my dad picked up at his work (he's not sick but a coworker is), a bug I picked up at Comic-Con (probably the most likely) but whatever it is it sucks. As I said, I saw Pirates for the third time, so the weekend wasn't a complete bust...finally got my copy of the soundtrack as well, so that was nice music to work with during my next attempt at a Will Turner portrait, based on this picture (which I'll attempt to scan sometime when it's finished...need to find a scanner that works with this old a version of Mac OS) and played a little bit of guitar. Badly, realize. Still very much learning. One of these days.

Since I've got a slight fever of 100, I'm heading to bed shortly even though it's only 11 pm. I hate being sick. Really. I also hate spam. No spam! It sucks! Goodnight...and don't forget to comment on the layout! What do you think of the first Orlando-less design?

file under: art , serious Posted by Jen at 11:05 PM | Permalink MTIfCommentsActive>|

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